Descent into Casting Hell: Worst Production Decisions Ever

So, having nearly finished Charles Williams's seminal novel Descent into Hell, I think it's time to sit back and take stock of what I've learned.

1. I've learned a new gauge for deciding what action to take with regards to the world at large: revolt, obey, compromise, or deceive.
2. I've learned about the Doctrine of Substituted Love, which makes more sense than most Atonement doctrines that people actually think out beforehand.
3. I've learned that homosexuals are capable of speech. No, seriously, at one point Peter Stanhope says 'Men can be in love with men, and women with women, and still be in love and make sounds and speeches.' It's metaphorical, and actually very progressive within that metaphor, but there you have it.
4. I've learned some of how a community theatre works, or at least how it worked seventy-five years ago.
5. I've learned that Lawrence Wentworth is really an incredibly unsympathetic and boring character.
6. Most of all, I've learned that the BEST CAST EVER (Trust Me On This) for a movie option to this story is (drumroll, please):

Peter Stanhope
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson

The Rock is hugely personable and often the best thing in a bad movie, though usually insufficient to save it. Imagine what he could do with good material like the magnum opus of a central Inkling! ...Hey, where are you going guys? ...Guys? We wanted to show you the 'People's Poetry Corner of Pain'!

Pauline Anstruther
Lady Gaga

The similarities between Pauline and Lady Gaga are many:

• Both are wealthy.
• Both have naturally brown hair.
• Both have met their exact double at least once. In Pauline's case, it even happened outside a music video.
• Both are white (presumably).
• Both are highly generational relative to when they originate. Pauline's mother doesn't understand her, and my mother doesn't understand Lady Gaga. (spoiler alert: NEITHER DO I.)
• Both have been known to wear absolutely ridiculous clothes for the sake of dodgy performance art.

I rest my case.

Lawrence Wentworth
Ben Bernanke (in his big-screen debut!)

Bernanke would bring to the table several qualities that more 'traditional' possibilities for the role of Wentworth, such as TV's Frank or Andy Serkis, simply never could: notably financial acumen, an immunity to auditors, and the patented 'illusion of a full beard'.

Adela Hunt
Billie Piper

I'm actually being serious here. She'd be perfect for the role. Moving on.

Lily Sammile
Sakamoto Maaya

Okay, obviously it would depend on several factors, such as whether she uses her Kanzaki Hitomi from Escaflowne voice or her Ryougi Shiki from Kara no Kyoukai voice, whether or not the magic of Weta Workshop can make her look like a middle-aged British woman in time, and how long it takes to teach her fluent English, but I think we can pull this off.

Margaret Anstruther
Abe Vigoda

Hey, Abe is eighty-nine years old now. We only have a small window of time in which to boldly push the Hollywood envelope with him.

John Struther
Betty White

Since we've got Abe Vigoda for Margaret, Betty White has to play the sixteenth-century Catholic martyr if she wants to remain a member of the Struther/Anstruther family!

Suicidal Builder
Will Smith

BOX OFFICE DYNAMITE.

Director
David Lynch (Eraserhead, Dune, Twin Peaks,  Mulholland Drive, Inland Empire)
Doppelgangers, suicides, ghosts, succubi, community theatre...this is surely his film.

THOUGHTS? QUESTIONS? COMMENTS?!