If you can survive here, you can survive anywhere.

            SITUATION ONE

            You’re in a cave, through which a river of lava runs. In the river is a flame-retardant crocodile. On the far side is an enraged grizzly. A narrow bridge connects the grizzly’s side of the lava with your own. A sniper is at the mouth of the cave. Due to convexion, the air in the chamber will scald you alive in ten minutes’ time. You are naked, but you have a flashlight, a half-litre bottle of Fresca, and a shotgun with two rounds but no powder. How do you escape from the cave?

            SITUATION TWO

            You’re on the observation deck of a very tall building. At the very apex of the building, just above you, is a sniper armed with a single .50 calibre bullet. At the bottom of the building, a Brobdingnagian ultra-hippo is getting into the lift and is on his way up. A bear has backed you into a corner of the observation deck. You are clothed as usual, but unarmed. If you wear glasses, rest assured that they are not the solution to the dilemma. How do you get out of the building alive?

            SITUATION THREE

            You’re in a closed but unlocked bank vault with an enraged adult female polar bear. Outside the vault is a robber armed with a standard revolver. His gun is fully loaded, but with no extra ammunition. Between the robber and the door to the vault is a crocodile. You have enough room to manoeuvre yourself around the bear, but you are unarmed and normally clothed. How do you escape the vault without being eaten by the croc or shot by the robber?

            SITUTATION FOUR

            You’re in the lounge of a luxury zeppelin with a pack of hungry timber wolves. Above you in the pouch is a man with a book of matches. A Burmese python is piloting the zeppelin. Landing time is in an hour, and everything is on schedule. How do you survive until the zeppelin lands?

            SITUATION FIVE

            You’re trying to sleep. Suddenly, the Fourth Doctor and Yukari from Azumanga Daioh appear in your room. To the Doctor you look like a jelly baby; to Yukari you look like a snow crab. How do you make it through the night without going completely mad?

            SITUATION SIX

            You’re in St Wenceslas Square in Prague. There’s a rattlesnake in your backpack, a swarm of cyborg hornets (brand name Apollyon the Despoiler, registered trademark of Lockheed Martin, all rights reserved) bearing down on you, a water moccasin in every fountain, a lion in front of you, and a mad costumed bomber threatening to blow up a nearby church in the name of Reason. What do you do?

            SITUATION SEVEN

            You’re in Little Italy. Johnnie Canasta and Luca the Legs already sleep with the fishes. The don is on the phone telling you to ‘finish the job’; you have no idea what he’s talking about. You’re armed with a Beretta M1934 with limitless ammo. Your good buddy Cate (you have a good buddy Cate, just go with it) has your back; she has a Walther P99, also with limitless ammo. The FBI wants you dead or alive and you have no idea why. How do you escape this turning into the New Jersey episode of Noir?

            SITUATION EIGHT

            You’re with Christopher Hitchens. Do you have something coherent, nuanced, respectful, humble, and/or accurate to say about religion, history, or some combination of the two? I suggest you don’t!

            SITUATION NINE

            You’re having the Beatific Vision. You’re late for work. Your boss is a cartoon supervillain. You’re secretly infiltrating your company. Your tea is getting cold. What do you do?